Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Regrets and Triggers

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project in honor of the babies that lost.

Day 13: Regrets and Triggers 

My biggest regret would have to be not grieving right then. Not crying more. I regret not calling off of work in the days that followed. I regret answering "I'm fine" when my co-worker asked if I was all right. I regret pushing myself into the state of denial that lasted years.
I regret not giving her that importance. The one I gave her living sister after she was born. I regret not saying, "No. I'm not okay. I lost my baby."

As far as triggers go, the floor above is honestly my biggest one. Such a silly thing and yet...
When Gabe and I were first looking at apartments, the reason "the rat hole" won out was because of that stupid floor.
"It looks like a checkerboard!!!" I exclaimed and began filling out the lease application.
I imagined chubby little kiddo feet padding across the checkerboard floor.
Instead, a few months later, I found myself sobbing on that same floor, unable to stop my pregnancy from ending. I wiped blood off that floor with a blue towel. After I returned home from the hospital, I found a single bloody handprint (mine) on that floor. The checkered tiles lost their appeal that day.
The library in town here used to have a checkered floor. I used to close my eyes when walking in and then stare at the ceiling because I would literally feel sick to my stomach. I've turned down houses because they've had checkered kitchens or bathrooms. I am reasonably sure I will never live in a home with a checkered floor.
This was a hard post to write. Thank you all for bearing with me. <3

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