In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project in honor of the babies that lost.
Day 13: Regrets and Triggers
I regret not giving her that importance. The one I gave her living sister after she was born. I regret not saying, "No. I'm not okay. I lost my baby."
As far as triggers go, the floor above is honestly my biggest one. Such a silly thing and yet...
When Gabe and I were first looking at apartments, the reason "the rat hole" won out was because of that stupid floor.
"It looks like a checkerboard!!!" I exclaimed and began filling out the lease application.
I imagined chubby little kiddo feet padding across the checkerboard floor.
Instead, a few months later, I found myself sobbing on that same floor, unable to stop my pregnancy from ending. I wiped blood off that floor with a blue towel. After I returned home from the hospital, I found a single bloody handprint (mine) on that floor. The checkered tiles lost their appeal that day.
The library in town here used to have a checkered floor. I used to close my eyes when walking in and then stare at the ceiling because I would literally feel sick to my stomach. I've turned down houses because they've had checkered kitchens or bathrooms. I am reasonably sure I will never live in a home with a checkered floor.
This was a hard post to write. Thank you all for bearing with me. <3