Monday, July 31, 2017

When You're in the Trenches aka Things I Wish I Had Known

Eleven years ago, I briefly considered suicide for the second time in my life. Maybe one day I will tell you all about the first time, but that's a story for another day.

Eleven years ago, I was a new Mom who had NO idea what the hell she was doing. I had a whole other human being depending on me for care, and I couldn't even take care of myself. When I asked someone if she had ever felt sad after giving birth, this woman replied, "Oh, no. I was always happy with my babies. There must be something wrong with you."

There was, by the way. Majorly wrong. But because so many others weren't willing to really LOOK and LISTEN, I became spectacularly good at hiding my depression. It took a check-in phone call with my Dad, in which he said, "Something's not right with you. You know, it's common for women to feel sad after a baby. Maybe you need to come home." for me to begin recovering.

Nine weeks and two days ago, I gave birth to my third daughter, my second living child. It's been pretty rough here and there, and I've had a few crying jags (like when she wouldn't latch on to the breast, no matter WHAT we tried, oh my goodness), but I never found myself in that ugly terrible place I was in 11 years ago.

Yes, I'm 11 years older (and I hope, 11 years wiser), but I've found some things that helped me cope this time around (and some stuff that helped 11 years ago)

* If you find yourself in a dark place, please pick up the phone and TALK TO SOMEONE. A relative, a trusted friend, a counsellor.

*Know that you are NOT crazy. Post partum depression is real.

*Know that you are NOT alone. PPD is more common than you think, and many women have been in the exact place that you are in.

*Take pleasure in what you can. When Ella was little, my little moments of light were loading her up in the stroller and taking long walks, or putting on soft music and relaxing while she slept. Right now, my happy moments are in the early mornings, or late at night, when Josie is asleep and I'm doing little household stuff...lighting lovely scented candles and journaling my thoughts helps me.

*Schedule time alone if you have to....


Yes, this is a page in my journal. Yes, sometime this week, I will have coffee ALONE. No husband. No daughter. No baby. Does it make me a bad person? No. Will it help my sanity in the long run? Yep.

*Take care of YOU. Because you cannot take care of a baby if you cannot take care of yourself.

*If you are prescribed medicine by a doctor, please take it. You are not weak, you are not admitting defeat, it takes strength to ask for help.

Eleven years ago, I was in a dark and scary place. If it wasn't for my Dad noticing that I sounded "off", I probably would have ended up taking my own life at some point.
Thanks to God and family, I found my way out, and was able to approach the post-partum period this time with a totally different outlook. I don't ever want anyone to feel the way I felt eleven years ago.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Desperation in the Kitchen: Chicken A La King (aka my return to blogging)

I would preface this with a lengthy apology, but y'all, it's almost 1:30 a.m. and the baby is sleeping, so I need to get this typed up ASAP.

My boss made this and it was amazing. So, I stole his recipe.

This is the recipe. I tweaked a few things (like I added frozen peas, but then so did my boss, he just didn't write that up in the recipe)

The ingredients.


sauteing chicken and onion in butter, and cooking rice (it's in the covered saucepan)


Making a roux and adding the frozen peas


Cooking low and slow, and the rice, of course.
Quick backstory: until very recent years, I sucked at making rice. SUCKED. It would always turn out gummy. There's no secret as to why I don't suck, I literally googled "how to cook rice" and I've just stuck with it.

Deliciousness!

Gabe and Ella definitely approved of this dish, and I will be making it again. Bonus: I got to cross a food off my bucket list!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Happy Homemaker Monday 06/05/2017

Good...afternoon.
I took my Josie in to the doctor today, because I had a few concerns...the doctor is not concerned about them, as they are common in small babies. I'm due for another weight re-check on Wednesday...however, the doctor is concerned about my "very obvious" lack of rest and the fact that I'm "probably overdoing it." Whoops. Is it that obvious?

I've been relegated to doing the two things I hate the most...sitting still and eating as much as I can. Aurgh. I realize to most people it would be a dream come true, but this is not a lifestyle I'm used to, and I'm not most people.

So, to stay sane while I sit still and eat (sigh), I'm going to *try* and get back into the blogging thing, while taking insane amounts of pictures of my girls. (GIRLS!!!!)

Let's get on with it, shall we?

The Weather: It's raining here, but supposed to clear up by tomorrow. It's typical late-Spring here in NC, where it's warm during the day and just a touch cool at night. Perfection.

On my reading pile: Oh, gosh. I guess now I'll have time to read, huh? I'm reading Abandoned Prayers by Gregg Olsen. Lots of dark scary stuff going on in an Amish community...and this took place in the 80's...and it's a true story. Yikes.

Movies or TV shows I watched this weekend: Nothing. I watched my newborn sleep.

On my TV: I've made a date with myself to sit still through an entire movie. I'll let you guys know which one I ended up picking.

On the menu for this week: Probably a bevy of quick-cooking foods/whatever my 11 year old can whip up/Gabe's on vacation so he can cook...

On my to-do list: Rest, rest, rest. Drink lots of water. Rest some more.

What I am sewing, knitting, crocheting, or creating: Nothing...although I suppose I could do that while I'm resting, right? Hmmm...

Looking around the house:  You can see that we've been blessed. Gift bags everywhere. I need to start writing out thank-you cards. Glad Gabe is on vacation this week. He can help me catch up on laundry...

From the camera:


my girls are 11 years and 11 days apart.

One of my simple pleasures:   Sleep. Kind of hard to come by, but treasured when I get it.

Inspirational quote, Bible verse, etc: 

Josie's life verse: "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

God Has Increased!!!

After a blood pressure scare, which led to an induction, which led to a fast and furious labor, God has increased our little family.

Josie Tamarah came into the world at 12:41 a.m. on Sunday morning, while a storm raged on outside my hospital room.

We are both home and doing well.



God always keeps His promises!!!

Saturday, May 6, 2017

So, I Suck At Blogging

Truly I do.
We're at the end of the school year, I'm almost at the end of my pregnancy.
It's Saturday night, Ella and I are up way too late, listening to Ray Stevens "Mississippi Squirrel Revival" and my rainbow baby is kicking away.
I can and will make it through this next month.
Ella turns 11 on May 17th. Riley would be 12.
The twins would be 2 in November.
Thomas has been gone a year.
Time passes by and waits for no one.

We have butterflies we are raising. One of them has come out of its chrysalis. Toby is what Ella named it.
We are patiently waiting for the others.
Gabe and I are both working, and working on our marriage, which is in a good place.
I am scheduled to be in Chicago this September for a flower show.

Life moves fast.

I am as big as a house, with a month to go yet.
Pray for me, my friends.
Pray this baby stays in.
Thank you for bearing with me here.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Where the Heck Have I Been aka Everything Changes Now

I haven't been on here much, and I think that has been a good thing.
Why, exactly?
Well...
After losing our twins in November of 2015, and then our son in April of 2016, I had a lot on my mind, and I think I needed to process it.
And then...
in September...
It was shocking and unexpected, and I was honestly not surprised when at 6 weeks, I began spotting.
Except...I didn't lose the baby.

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant, with a due date of June 10.

It's been strange, and wonderful, and overwhelming at times. I didn't want this blog to become a chronicle of my pregnancy. It wouldn't have been fair to any of my children.

I'm doing well, past the horrible morning sickness of the first trimester, and well into the "smooth second."

Otherwise, things are much the same. Life clicks along. Gabe and I both work, and Ella is doing well in her schooling.

I wish I had more eloquent words, or some major words of wisdom, but I do not. This is perhaps the first time in my life where I have taken a gigantic step back from everything and just concentrated on staying well.

I've been in my bubble for the past 4 months or so and I'm slowly making my way out.

So...
I'm back. I guess. For now.