This is deserving of a title but I cannot think of one

Last night, I listened to a worship song I hadn't heard in a long time.
Today, I listened to it again. And again. And I cried.

I feel like I've lost some huge piece of myself. Not like I've lost Christ, because He never went anywhere. I feel like I've lost my relationship with Him, or at the very least some piece of that relationship. Honestly, that scares me.

I remember when Gabe and I began going to church in Illinois. I remember when I began memorizing Scripture, and how EXCITED I was to have a relationship with my Savior.

I remember doing the Sunday School board for my Sunday School teacher (yes, she will ALWAYS be my mentor and my teacher. ALWAYS) and wanting to learn everything.

I remember how excited I was to get a copy of the Matthew Henry's commentary for Christmas, and how even after reading the Bible cover-to-cover, I wanted more.

What happened to that joy?

I'm not sure.

I feel pretty spiritually dry right now.

One might blame it on the fact that the past two years have been so.incredibly.stressful for my little family, but honestly that's a cop-out.

The blame is on me.

I'm the one settling. I'm the one unwilling to stand up for my Savior. It's my fault.

I need to take a big step back and focus on who's most important: Christ.

I'm done. I'm done being wrapped up in politics and backbiting. If it doesn't bring glory to my Savior, I want no part of it. I don't want a religion, I want a relationship with Christ. I want to help others, not hinder their walk in Christ and  point out their every flaw. I want JOY. I don't want to be a Christian jerk. I pull others into His embrace, not push them away because they don't fit in my little box of what's perfect. I understand not being unequally yoked, but that's not at all what I'm talking about. The Bible commands that we go out and witness, to reach out to everyone at least once. What they do after that is their choice. But I will not drive someone away with judgmental ways. That wasn't me when I got saved. It shouldn't be me now. I have a lot of thinking, and apologizing and praying to do.

Yesterday, while walking through the backyard, I saw a rosebud, and then another, and another.

I looked at them. Like, really LOOKED. When I was a kid, my aunt Gina who lived across the street had tons of roses. They were gorgeous...but truthfully, I liked the buds more than I did the open flowers. So much promise. So beautiful and intricate.

And it hit me, yesterday.

God created those rosebuds. God made them. He made every detail. Look. Look. Look. He loves you enough to put roses you didn't plant RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Look.  Be excited. Be joyful. Let Christ be your joy. 

I am crying as I type.

I don't need imperfect human ideas of who God is. I don't need to conform to what someone else thinks is the idea of perfection. I certainly don't need to put others down to feel better.

I need Christ. I need my Savior. If He is good enough to save someone so unworthy as me, then He is more than worthy of my praise and my love and my service. If He loves me enough to save me, and even do little things like show me these lovely rosebuds, then I ought to love Him enough to fix my relationship with Him.

Pray for me, friends. I surely need it.