Thursday, April 28, 2016

On Contentment

I am still working on being content in "whatsoever state".

For the example, the state of North Carolina. We came here at a vulnerable time in our marriage, and from the get go, I was not content in this state. I'm from the North, this is SO not the north. I'm extremely private, and we live in a town where people make it a point to know one another. I am used to flat land, and right now, we're in the mountains. So many little things.

Also, it's no secret that I'd like one more child to hold in my arms. The year before Ella was born, we lost a little girl.  We lost twins in November and I just miscarried again last week, and it hurts. Like rip-out-your-heart hurts. I was so sure that this last pregnancy would be IT. I would have my longed-for baby in my arms this Fall, and our family would be complete. I watch as other people have healthy babies, seemingly without am I supposed to be content with that?

Sometimes, though...just sometimes, God grants my sinful self a moment of stark clarity.

The other night, I was climbing into bed with a book, and this thought crossed my mind, "I have all of this. I have a warm bed, we have a nice little house, Gabe has a job, I have a job...our kid is pretty great. This is what contentment is."

Maybe God brought us here to this particular state, where we don't know many people, where we had to pretty much start over, with just each other, to teach us to be content.

The past few years have been a learning experience. I used to think about all of the things I would do when I moved back up north...because, you know, that's when my life would "start." But...this is my life. The family life. North Carolina is where I learned to slow down, because for a few months after Gabe started his first job here, I had no choice. I had a four year old then, and we were literally getting to know each other. This is where I learned to be a wife, and this is where I fell in love with my husband again.

I used to worry so much about money, and always wanting more than we had. And you know what? It's just NOT worth it. No amount of money is worth my family. Or my sanity. Do I wish we had more money? Sometimes...but not as often as you'd think. Life isn't as expensive as I used to think it was. I don't need or want the latest in everything. If I have twenty dollars to spend, I would rather spend it on something my whole family can enjoy, or a nice dinner for me and my husband, or a lunch date for me and Ella.

And as far as children...only God knows the plan for my family, and whether we will have more kids. I'm choosing to trust him there.

So, tonight, I won't look out the window of my giant mansion at sprawling, impeccably landscaped lawns...tonight, I'll wander out barefoot onto the deck of my little house in the mountains and look at my lawn, dandelions and all...and I'll thank God for every bit of it, and I'll be content.

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