So, I Suck At Blogging

Truly I do.
We're at the end of the school year, I'm almost at the end of my pregnancy.
It's Saturday night, Ella and I are up way too late, listening to Ray Stevens "Mississippi Squirrel Revival" and my rainbow baby is kicking away.
I can and will make it through this next month.
Ella turns 11 on May 17th. Riley would be 12.
The twins would be 2 in November.
Thomas has been gone a year.
Time passes by and waits for no one.

We have butterflies we are raising. One of them has come out of its chrysalis. Toby is what Ella named it.
We are patiently waiting for the others.
Gabe and I are both working, and working on our marriage, which is in a good place.
I am scheduled to be in Chicago this September for a flower show.

Life moves fast.

I am as big as a house, with a month to go yet.
Pray for me, my friends.
Pray this baby stays in.
Thank you for bearing with me here.

Where the Heck Have I Been aka Everything Changes Now

I haven't been on here much, and I think that has been a good thing.
Why, exactly?
Well...
After losing our twins in November of 2015, and then our son in April of 2016, I had a lot on my mind, and I think I needed to process it.
And then...
in September...

It was shocking and unexpected, and I was honestly not surprised when at 6 weeks, I began spotting.
Except...I didn't lose the baby.

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant, with a due date of June 10.

It's been strange, and wonderful, and overwhelming at times. I didn't want this blog to become a chronicle of my pregnancy. It wouldn't have been fair to any of my children.

I'm doing well, past the horrible morning sickness of the first trimester, and well into the "smooth second."

Otherwise, things are much the same. Life clicks along. Gabe and I both work, and Ella is doing well in her schooling.

I wish I had more eloquent words, or some major words of wisdom, but I do not. This is perhaps the first time in my life where I have taken a gigantic step back from everything and just concentrated on staying well.

I've been in my bubble for the past 4 months or so and I'm slowly making my way out.

So...
I'm back. I guess. For now.

Why I'm Not Afraid, Even When I Am

On March 1st, I took a home pregnancy test because the tracker app on my Kindle told me I was 4 days late. I remember looking at the little app and saying, "Dude, I'm always 4 days late. What are you talking about?"

I looked at those two little lines and about fainted. Because...wait. No. I had just miscarried in November. Surely, I'm seeing things. Nope. Because my period never came. I was excited, and worried and excited and happy...and just excited.

I told my husband and daughter and my parents right away. I famously said to one of my friends that if I got pregnant again, after my last loss, that I would announce when he or she was born. Instead, we announced about a week after my first pregnancy test.

A few days after I had my pregnancy confirmed, I started bleeding/spotting, and ended up at the E.R. in town. Everything appeared to be fine, but a few days later, at my appointment, we couldn't see much, and I was measuring behind where the doctor thought I would be. We found out that they had miscounted my date of conception...but that there was still reason to worry.

Words like "molar pregnancy" were thrown around. I spent a Saturday in bed, crying my eyes out. That Monday, I woke up and it was just...peace. I've had several more worrisome appointments, with no detected heartbeat. At one point, I was scheduled for a D&C, which I declined. There was such an incredible peace that went along with that decision.

Somebody asked me, "Aren't you afraid?"
NO. Not even when I am. Because God's got me.
He's brought me this far.

He's brought me through loss and grief and tears.

He's carried me through sleepless nights with a newborn.

He's carried me through the troubles in my marriage, and allowed us to stay together and be happier than ever.

God's got me right now. I have no idea what's going to happen, but He does. It's His plan, and it's perfect.

For the first time in probably EVER, I'm choosing to put this in His hands, and leaving it there.