When You're in the Trenches aka Things I Wish I Had Known

Eleven years ago, I briefly considered suicide for the second time in my life. Maybe one day I will tell you all about the first time, but that's a story for another day.

Eleven years ago, I was a new Mom who had NO idea what the hell she was doing. I had a whole other human being depending on me for care, and I couldn't even take care of myself. When I asked someone if she had ever felt sad after giving birth, this woman replied, "Oh, no. I was always happy with my babies. There must be something wrong with you."

There was, by the way. Majorly wrong. But because so many others weren't willing to really LOOK and LISTEN, I became spectacularly good at hiding my depression. It took a check-in phone call with my Dad, in which he said, "Something's not right with you. You know, it's common for women to feel sad after a baby. Maybe you need to come home." for me to begin recovering.

Nine weeks and two days ago, I gave birth to my third daughter, my second living child. It's been pretty rough here and there, and I've had a few crying jags (like when she wouldn't latch on to the breast, no matter WHAT we tried, oh my goodness), but I never found myself in that ugly terrible place I was in 11 years ago.

Yes, I'm 11 years older (and I hope, 11 years wiser), but I've found some things that helped me cope this time around (and some stuff that helped 11 years ago)

* If you find yourself in a dark place, please pick up the phone and TALK TO SOMEONE. A relative, a trusted friend, a counsellor.

*Know that you are NOT crazy. Post partum depression is real.

*Know that you are NOT alone. PPD is more common than you think, and many women have been in the exact place that you are in.

*Take pleasure in what you can. When Ella was little, my little moments of light were loading her up in the stroller and taking long walks, or putting on soft music and relaxing while she slept. Right now, my happy moments are in the early mornings, or late at night, when Josie is asleep and I'm doing little household stuff...lighting lovely scented candles and journaling my thoughts helps me.

*Schedule time alone if you have to....

Yes, this is a page in my journal. Yes, sometime this week, I will have coffee ALONE. No husband. No daughter. No baby. Does it make me a bad person? No. Will it help my sanity in the long run? Yep.

*Take care of YOU. Because you cannot take care of a baby if you cannot take care of yourself.

*If you are prescribed medicine by a doctor, please take it. You are not weak, you are not admitting defeat, it takes strength to ask for help.

Eleven years ago, I was in a dark and scary place. If it wasn't for my Dad noticing that I sounded "off", I probably would have ended up taking my own life at some point.
Thanks to God and family, I found my way out, and was able to approach the post-partum period this time with a totally different outlook. I don't ever want anyone to feel the way I felt eleven years ago.

Where the Heck Have I Been aka Everything Changes Now

I haven't been on here much, and I think that has been a good thing.
Why, exactly?
Well...
After losing our twins in November of 2015, and then our son in April of 2016, I had a lot on my mind, and I think I needed to process it.
And then...
in September...

It was shocking and unexpected, and I was honestly not surprised when at 6 weeks, I began spotting.
Except...I didn't lose the baby.

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant, with a due date of June 10.

It's been strange, and wonderful, and overwhelming at times. I didn't want this blog to become a chronicle of my pregnancy. It wouldn't have been fair to any of my children.

I'm doing well, past the horrible morning sickness of the first trimester, and well into the "smooth second."

Otherwise, things are much the same. Life clicks along. Gabe and I both work, and Ella is doing well in her schooling.

I wish I had more eloquent words, or some major words of wisdom, but I do not. This is perhaps the first time in my life where I have taken a gigantic step back from everything and just concentrated on staying well.

I've been in my bubble for the past 4 months or so and I'm slowly making my way out.

So...
I'm back. I guess. For now.

The Turkeyless Thanksgiving of 2015

I blogged earlier this week about not doing the traditional turkey dinner this year. I'm tired, I've got a bad cold, and I just wanted one year to enjoy my family. Also, Gabe worked all day, and it just isn't Thanksgiving without him.

So, Ella and I made a few crafts, and worked on some pieces for Winter Remembrance while we waited for Gabe to come home from work. I was determined to at least have dinner as a family.

When Gabe did get home, I served up a delicious pizza (which was actually homemade, and not frozen, like I was previously planning to do.). The toppings were grilled chicken, pepperoni, peppers and cheese. It was incredibly yummy!!!!

Afterwards, we watched Peanuts movies and took silly family pictures. It was by far the most low-key Thanksgiving we've had, but it was probably the best one.

And one of just us...

Today, Gabe had to work again. Ella and I visited our local Humane Society, with the purpose of seeing Toby the tuxedo cat. (because I've got a soft spot in my heart for the tuxies)

Hope your Thanksgiving was filled with lots of love and family!!!

Obligatory Halloween Post 2015

First, let me preface this by saying that
1) I don't feel well and
2) I'm 99% sure that I'm coming down with the crud.

So, forgive the pictures for looking terrible. I tried. I also went out trick-or-treating with a low grade fever (but hey, I'm a Mom, I don't get days off) We had a lot of fun, saw some awesome people, and the best part is: I don't have to wear a stitch of makeup til next Halloween!!!!!

Ella was Nim from Nim's Island, and I went as a Crazy Cat Lady (in other words, I went as myself)

We went to our town's annual trunk-or-treat, hit up a bonfire, roasted some marshmallows...

It's not ready to eat til it's on fire!

We also saw some of the cutest costumes ever

how cute is this little old man?

This dog-as-a-deer...ohhhhh!!!!
Ella scored lots of candy and I'm ready to crawl into bed and eat soup.
Happy Halloween, all!!!!!

Settling In

We've been in this house since two days before Ella's 9th birthday, and we are slowly settling in. I mean that in all ways. Yes, we've unpacked (most of) our stuff and the house is looking like a home, but I mean we're settling into a nice routine and it's good.

The loss of Tom really shook us up hard. After losing Sparrow, it was amazing how seamlessly Tom fit into our little family unit. He was a big guy looking for love and we were absolutely more than willing to give it. It's been different with Dave and Sphinx, well...with Sphinx mostly. She was found stray and didn't really trust us her first week here. Dave actually reminds me a lot of Tom, he's just a chill guy who likes hanging out and relaxing. Sphinx has settled in and will follow us around here and there now. It's sweet.

This house is the first time since we left the place on Nelson Road that I feel stable and content. The place we lived in after Nelson Road was more trouble than it was worth and we had some questionable neighbors. The place after that didn't have a working stove, a VERY dishonest landlord, and more questionable neighbors, and while we made some friends while living there, I was very very glad to leave.

I love where we are now. Absolutely love it. We have a porch swing, and a working stove (because ya'll know it was the first thing I checked for when looking this place over) and awesome neighbors and there's just this CALM. For the first time in a very long time, there is a calm. I can wake up in the morning, go to work, do schoolwork with Ella and there is a calm and contentment and I love it.

I often joke to Gabe that I would like to take this house and move it up north with us when the time comes, whenever that is. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel an overwhelming rush to move home...which is amazing in its own right.

I guess in the middle of all this insanity, it was time for a happy post, and that's what this is :)

Happy Homemaker Monday

It's my day off! Which is awesome, because yesterday was our (9th!!!) wedding anniversary, and of course Gabe had to work and I had 659832312 things to do and he came home and we had a very unromantic dinner (how romantic can you get with a big striped cat begging for food every five seconds?) and I went to bed because I was exhausted.

HOWEVER, we are both off today and I think that once we get Ella off to bed this evening, we are going to try to catch up and maybe watch a movie and just spend quality time together. Or maybe I will ask Gram to watch Ella for a few hours. Hmmm.

Moving on!

The Weather in my neck of the woods: The last couple of days have been PERFECT. It'll be warming up some the first half of the week, but is supposed to cool down by the weekend. Yay!

Things that make me happy: the increasingly rare day off, my family, crazy kitties, the fact that I can take a few ingredients and make a good-tasting meal (I've come a long way, trust me)

Menu for the week: Um. Yeah. Last week, I started off great, then halfway through, life happened. Here's hoping for a better meal planning week!

Monday: At Ella's request: Grilled chicken strips, couscous and veggies (from the GARDEN ya'll, from the GARDEN!!!!)
Tuesday: Taco Bowls (something new, update maybe)
Wednesday: Chicken kebabs, rice
Thursday: Smokey bacon macaroni and cheese
Friday:  Back to school shopping for me and E, so we'll just grab a couple take and bake pizzas
Saturday: Steakhouse soup
Sunday: One pot spaghetti

Looking around the house: One cat sleeping, one cat jumping counters. Going to attempt a light cleaning today.

To-do list: Straighten up the living room, kitchen and the master bedroom. Possibly laundry. Trip to the garden to trim up the tomatoes and maybe pick more peppers and harvest chard. Quick trip to the grocery.

New Recipe I tried last week: Uhm, I did cook couscous in a new way. Made it toasted, instead of the normal way of simmering it. It was AMAZING. Ella had 3 helpings and asked for it again this week.

New Recipe I want to try soon: Not much of a recipe but we had Walk'n Tacos at an event on Saturday, and I totally want to try making those.

In the craft basket: Everything. I cannot even deal with the craft basket this morning ;)

Looking forward to: Back to school shopping and a few days worth of a study break for me. I took my last test early so my brain could get a break this week!!

Favorite Photo: 

Lesson Learned: Time passes by really quickly. Really, really fast. Last night, I was in the kitchen, making dinner and dancing to Taylor Swift and being silly with Ella when it hit me. Holy moly, she is 9 years old. I can't even...

On my prayer list: This country, because things are getting bad, and fast.
                                 My parents, like always.
                                 The upcoming school year.
                                 My husband.
                                 My sanity ;)

Devotionals, Key Verses, Scripture:

Have a blessed day, everyone!

So...

...the other day, I started thinking about how much I missed my Tom. And how he was worth every.single.penny I spent on him and every.single.tear I've cried since his passing.

And I got the crazy idea that maybe we needed another cat.

And then we ended up with two.

This lovely creature with Gabe is Sphinx. She's pretty shy right now, and is currently hiding under our bed. She enjoys snuggles and licking people's faces. She's a year old and was found as a stray near the wildlife center in Banner Elk, NC.

This is my (other) main man, Dave. Originally, we were just going to adopt Sphinx, but I fell in love with Dave's face. He was given to the Humane Society with many, many other cats whose owners were going through a divorce. Dave enjoys stealing grocery bags and laying them out smooth to make himself a bed, as well as emptying cabinets so he can make a "Dave Cave."

While I truly believe that our Tom was a very special cat, and that there will never be a replacement, I think that rescuing animals is extremely important. Who knows, you may even see another Tuxie in our future!!!