A Jumble

This is where I come back from one of my disappearing acts.
Trust me, I needed this one.

We lost my Daddy on July 6.

I still feel so incredibly lost sometimes. Like, how is this even real?
How is he gone?
My Dad was always larger than life to me. He could do anything, fix anything. He was my hero. Still is.
Two days before he died, Dad told me, "I'm leaving. I love you guys."
I can still hear him saying "Odchodze" (I'm leaving).

When my friend Ms. Lora died, I knew she would die. But I was still unprepared.

Unprepared is the understatement of the century when it comes to how I feel about Dad being gone. I find myself thinking about two years ago, when Ella and I went to visit him and Mom. I think about joking around with Dad about stupid things and getting the grand tour of the neighborhood and then remembering that he is GONE and I will not have those conversations with him again and it's like I'm being hit by a truck every single time.

And I know that where he is now, there is no more pain, no more cancer, no more sickness. Dad is whole and healthy and reunited with his parents and his older brother. My babies in heaven have met their Pop Pop and that must be so beautiful.

And as much as it hurts to be here, and be Dad-less, I know I'm really NOT Dad-less. Because he's always here. Every time I say something to make my kids laugh, I know Dad's there. Every time I fix some household item, I know Dad's there. Every time I play gypsy music for the girls, I know he's there. Since the day he died, I've been seeing blue butterflies everywhere.

I'm trying. I've wanted to sit down and write a blog about this or that and make my way seamlessly back.
But I couldn't. Not without writing about Dad.

Because I owe him at least this.
At least.

On Having a (Joyful) Servant's Heart

Let me tell you all a story.

Once upon a time, in a far away country, a boy was born into a family of two parents, two older sisters and one older brother. There was something special about this boy, that much could be said from birth. He was the pride and joy of that family.

The boy grew, and entered school, never forsaking his responsibility to his parents, whose health had begun to get bad, and his siblings. Even though he was the youngest, he was always the first to help others. Even if they were total strangers. Even if their intentions were bad.

The boy developed many talents. He could draw. Animals and birds so lifelike, that you would swear they could come off the paper and walk or fly away. He could do complicated math in his head and come up with the answer faster than any teacher. He could even imitate bird calls. He was a prankster in nature, but again, he would give someone the shirt off his back if he could. His teachers spoke of his endless potential and told him he could be whatever he wanted one day. The boy's dream was to travel, and to study nature.

When he was 15 his father died of a heart attack. With his older siblings either marrying off or working, the house responsibilities were left to the boy. He took care of his mother. He took care of the farm animals. He cooked. He cleaned. He made sure all of the bills were paid. All while finishing school and going on to trade school to become a machinist. Eventually, he met a girl and fell in love. When he was sure his Mom was sufficiently taken care of, he enlisted in the army.

After the army, he married the girl. Only two weeks after his wedding day, his Mom passed away. Eventually, the young man (because he was no longer a boy) and his wife welcomed their first daughter. The man realized that their meager income wouldn't do and so he temporarily left his wife and daughter to work in America because there was more opportunity there.

He began looking for work the day his plane landed. He rejoiced when a company hired him, even though he spoke no English. He worked hard, keeping a tiny apartment and budgeting carefully, so he could send money back to his wife and child. He came back home to visit whenever he could, sometimes staying as long as three months. More children followed.

When it was clear the couple would have no more kids, the man set about working to bring his whole family to America. He worked even harder. He bought a big car to accommodate the wife and children who would be coming one day.

That day finally arrived. There was a happy reunion. A brief reunion. The man had to go to work the next day. He continued to work hard. He was so tired when he came that he sometimes fell asleep on the couch before dinner was even served, but if one of his children needed homework help, or even just wanted to talk, he was right there.

One day, one of his daughters had an assignment for school. She had to interview one of her parents and ask them about their life. She chose her father. He told her about his boyhood dream to travel and study nature.

"Dad, WHY?" she asked, "WHY did you give all of that up? You have all these kids. All these bills. Your life is so HARD."

The man laughed softly then.

"Well, my dear," he replied, "I did it so YOUR life wouldn't be so hard."

That little girl was me, about 20 years ago. The man is my father.

I was struck by the unfairness of that situation. My Dad married young. He had children young. He gave up everything to go to a country where he didn't know the language. He worked nonstop, giving of himself. Even when he was diagnosed with cancer, he still helped everybody he could. Now that he is cancer free, he is helping out his neighbors in their garden. He has a servant's heart. A joyful one. I've often admired that trait. When I was in the 6th grade, my Dad got a new job. His old boss was not happy with that and actually came out to our house to have words with Dad. When his boss left, I turned to my Dad and said, "WOW. He is crazy! When I grow up, I'm going to be the boss. So I don't have to deal with bosses like THAT."

Dad looked me in the eye and said, "That's very admirable, but I think God has something bigger in store for you."

Dad was right. I'm a proud wife. A proud Mom. I also work two jobs and homeschool. I am often tired and sometimes fall asleep on the couch if I sit for too long.  I've been accused of "doing too much" and often am told to "slow it down already." Despite my two jobs, I cook dinner more often than not. Sometimes, I feel like I'm living in a state of constant motion.

Yesterday was one of those days. Where nothing stops. Where everything keeps moving. I went to my first job in the morning, with no time to grab breakfast. I came home to a sick 8 year old and a sick husband. They are both down with the summer cold. Gabe is particularly miserable, as he doesn't get sick often, and gets hit HARD when he does. As soon as I put my handbag down on a kitchen chair, I began lessons with Ella, who worked diligently despite the fact that she is sick. I cooked lunch and dinner for Ella and Gabe and after a quick lunch, I was out the door again.

My first job is cleaning houses. I'm what one would call a professional housekeeper. (aka: I clean up after other people) My second job? I work on a farm. I picked about 20 pounds of shelly beans yesterday. It's hard work. I got home yesterday, took a shower (because farm work is dusty and dirty) and set off to the grocery store to get English Muffins and cough drops.  At some point after returning home, I sat down on a kitchen chair. Maybe I fell asleep because I looked up to see the concerned eyes of my husband and daughter looking at me.

"Do you want me to heat you up some soup?" Gabe rasped. His voice was nearly nonexistent.

"Can I get you anything, Mom?" Ella piped up. "I could bring you your tablet. You could read a book. I got your pajama pants out of the dryer."

"I'm okay. I'll heat up the soup." I replied. "Thanks, honey. I'll get my pajama pants in a bit."

"I've been in bed pretty much all day." Gabe protested. "You've been working all day. The least I can do is heat up some soup for you."

"Yeah, Mom! Sometimes, I think your life is so HARD! Why do you do that?"

A scene from 20 years ago flashed before me as I looked down at my daughter and replied, "I do it so your life isn't."

Yes, sometimes I have days when I want to be the boss, not the servant. There are days where my thoughts aren't fixed upon God, and I begin to feel unappreciated, and overwhelmed. There are days where I want to throw in the towel and stay in bed for a while. But I don't. Because I have the best examples of a joyful servant in my life.

Jesus Christ, who served everybody He met. Healed the sick. Ministered to total strangers. Lifted up those who were down. Died for people who didn't deserve it...

...and my Dad, Edward. My inspiration. My proof that a servant is just as important (oftentimes even more so!) than what the world considers the boss.

If you ever have a chance to minister to somebody, do so. Do so with a joyful heart.

On Dads

Last Father's Day, I wasn't sure how long my Daddy had to live. I spent the church service crying, because I wasn't sure how long I had with Dad, and I was 700 miles away.

Today, I am still 700 miles away, but DAD IS CANCER FREE and I am working towards a move back up north.

I know not everyone is as blessed as me.

Because my Dad is still alive. Because even though he was not there in person every day of my growing up, I still knew I was loved, and I knew he was working his hardest so I could have a life worth something. So I could have all the opportunities he didn't.

When I was a kid, my Dad used to joke about me being his favorite. I know it was a joke, but I believed it then. (Sometimes I still do). Even though his English was not great, my Dad came to  every parent-teacher conference. He was my date to my 8th grade banquet, and I remember he had tears in his eyes when I received my awards.

Even though he has always been quick to talk me down when I am out of hand (overly emotional, overly angry), he has also always been quick to build me up, and tell me I can do anything in the world. When he didn't agree with my decision to marry Gabe, he told me so. When time passed, and he realized he had been wrong, he told me so.

My Dad is amazing. There's no one else like him.


When I met Gabe, I clashed headfirst with his Dad, Bill. Oh.my.word. I think I argued more with him during my first month of marriage than I did with Gabe.

I can't tell you how many times I uttered the words, "Gabe, I can't stand your Dad!" Probably as many times as he uttered the words, "Gabe I can't stand your wife!"

About a year and a half ago, I was laying on the couch when Gabe's phone rang. It was his Dad. When Gabe attempted to hand the phone to me, I said, "No, thanks!"...but the conversation that followed wasn't what I expected. Even though he had no reason to (because I was just as responsible for the lack of a relationship there), Bill apologized to me.

Over the past year, I have had some serious heart-to-hearts with Bill. When I was in the middle of panic attack city over my Dad's transplant, Bill took time out of his day to spend HOURS on the phone with me, to calm me down and just to lend an ear. We don't agree on everything, but I couldn't think of a better person for me to have as a father-in-law.

My father-in-law rocks. There's nobody like him.

When Gabe and I became parents for the second time, to our first living child, he told me, "I am going to suck at fatherhood."

I promise you, he doesn't suck at fatherhood. Gabe has taken fatherhood and made it his own. Two Christmases ago, I was having the hardest time because I was missing Riley and it was just rough. Christmas morning, after Ella had opened the last gift, I noticed another present under the tree. It was for Riley Grace. Gabe had found given her (and Ella, by proxy) his favorite childhood book, "The Lion's Bed."

Gabe has introduced Ella to Star Wars (yep) and Indiana Jones and for her sixth birthday, he gave her a pocket knife. She inherited his great love for photography and he can make her laugh harder than anybody I know.

Gabe works a lot, so he is not one of those Dads that can drop everything on a dime. My Dad wasn't either. But, Ella knows that Gabe loves her. He bought her a seashell necklace that she loves.

The other day, I overheard their talk about dating. "You're not allowed to date until you have your own car. That way, you can always leave." Good advice. From a dad who doesn't suck at fatherhood.

My husband is an amazing Dad. There is no one like him.

General Life update and Someting New.

I know it's a cop-out to post "we've been busy", but yes, we've been busy.

Our school year ended this Thursday, so we've had lots to do with wrapping up final studies and such. Of course, this does not mean that our school year is really over, as Ella tends to learn year-round.

My Dad is not gaining weight as much as doctors would like him to, (don't worry, the cancer is not back), and it's all due to the medications that he is on (which are beneficial) as well as his mounting anxiety (if you had been through what he has been through this past year, trust me, you'd be anxious too).

My oldest sister and I are in agreement that Dad should be on a mild antidepressant to take the edge off his anxiety. My brother says antidepressants are of the devil and that they don't work. Never mind the fact that my Mother has been on them for about ten years. Sigh. Please pray with me that Dad will make the right decision.

This morning, my beloved Sunday School teacher stepped down due to her husband's declining health. While I saw this coming, I am still pretty crushed. She has been a huge influence, a shoulder to cry on, and most importantly, a friend. She has been the picture of grace under any circumstance, and I am truly blessed to be counted as her friend.

I was blessed to receive a package of Mother's Day cards for the project this year, and I am trying to come up with something to do for October 15th, as it is the only day we have that is truly about remembering our babies. I have been stressed to the gills, and I am trying not to let the devil have a foothold in my life.

ALL that aside...

I have received so much love and support from fellow angel moms about this project. It humbles and amazes me.

I am currently on Day 28 of this 30 Day challenge. I've almost made it! My husband says I look incredible, and truthfully, I feel incredible. The leg lifts make me feel like my ab muscles are going to snap like a rubberband, but I'm totally not going to stop working out after this. I think I am going to do a running challenge after this, and then my friend Brittney and I are starting something called Mean Abs June...which I'm a little afraid of, but BRING IT ON!

Lastly, Ella and I are starting a new monthly tradition. Something called "Girls and Pearls". Today was the first. Basically, we get all fancied up in pearls and such and go out for a meal or a girls' day out. It doesn't have to always be on a Sunday, but I felt like it had to happen today after Mrs. B left.

Ella in her pearls :)

Forgive my splotchy face. I've been crying all morning.

and one of us together.

Today, Ella wanted to go to McDonald's, so there we went. Maybe next time we can do something more fancy/befitting of the "girls and pearls" name :) Or maybe not. That's part of the fun of motherhood!

More Randomness

On Wednesday, I posted about feeling "off."

My cat was in labor, and for "some reason", I felt freaked out, which was odd because I had delivered her last 3 litters with no problem. I said that I "couldn't handle the thought of stillborn kittens."

Sparrow's first kitten in that litter was stillborn. We named it Angel.

After a very hard labor, Sparrow gave birth to Blessing, and Faith. They were blessedly born ALIVE!

Ella and I buried Angel in Ella's garden.

After all of the tears had passed for that day, Ella and I decided that Angel is most definitely up in heaven, being taken care of by Riley and Ms. Lora (who absolutely loved cats). We also decided to celebrate that Sparrow made it through labor and that she now has two beautiful kittens to take care of!

 

 

The whole experience reminded me of how often we say "I cannot handle this."...I said I could not handle moving to North Carolina. I said I could not handle staying in North Carolina. I said I could not handle my marriage. I said I could not handle my Dad having cancer.

God says I can. He does not heap on me more than He is willing to bring me through.

AMAZING NEWS! (and a little challenge for you all)

I would have written this post yesterday, but I was too busy thanking God because

DAD IS CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!

I got the phone call from Dad in the Dollar General parking lot. Yes, I screamed. Yes, I cried. Yes, they all think I'm crazy now. No, I don't care.

After many, many months of chemo and radiation and a transplant and medications and worry and praying, praying, praying:

DAD IS HEALED!

I realized I never put up pictures of Dad on here. So, here they come. For the record, I am planning a trip back home to job-hunt and house-hunt and many more pictures of Ella and Dad are to come!!!!

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!

Dad and me, Easter of 2010. I look awful and he isn't looking at the camera at all. :)

Dad and Gabe :) My two favorite guys!

LOOK! a smile! a real-honest-to-God smile! Ella loves all of her grandparents, but my Dad is her definite favorite!!!

My Mom took this picture :)

 

This, in a nutshell, is my amazing father. I love love love him! I'm so glad that God healed him, and I cannot wait to go HOME to see him again!

 

Now, for the challenge. I found the February Cheer challenge  here, and have been leaving hearts and treats for both Gabe and Ella. Yes, Gabe is 38 and almost-a-half, but I wanted to brighten his February too.

 

I want everyone who reads my blog, follows it, or even comes across it to do this! It's brought our family closer together and nothing beat this morning when Ella yelled across the house: "MOM! LOOK! I found SUNGLASSES!"

Here are some of the creative places the hearts have popped up.

 

 

Have a beautiful and blessed day, everyone!