Why I'm Not Afraid, Even When I Am

On March 1st, I took a home pregnancy test because the tracker app on my Kindle told me I was 4 days late. I remember looking at the little app and saying, "Dude, I'm always 4 days late. What are you talking about?"

I looked at those two little lines and about fainted. Because...wait. No. I had just miscarried in November. Surely, I'm seeing things. Nope. Because my period never came. I was excited, and worried and excited and happy...and just excited.

I told my husband and daughter and my parents right away. I famously said to one of my friends that if I got pregnant again, after my last loss, that I would announce when he or she was born. Instead, we announced about a week after my first pregnancy test.

A few days after I had my pregnancy confirmed, I started bleeding/spotting, and ended up at the E.R. in town. Everything appeared to be fine, but a few days later, at my appointment, we couldn't see much, and I was measuring behind where the doctor thought I would be. We found out that they had miscounted my date of conception...but that there was still reason to worry.

Words like "molar pregnancy" were thrown around. I spent a Saturday in bed, crying my eyes out. That Monday, I woke up and it was just...peace. I've had several more worrisome appointments, with no detected heartbeat. At one point, I was scheduled for a D&C, which I declined. There was such an incredible peace that went along with that decision.

Somebody asked me, "Aren't you afraid?"
NO. Not even when I am. Because God's got me.
He's brought me this far.

He's brought me through loss and grief and tears.

He's carried me through sleepless nights with a newborn.

He's carried me through the troubles in my marriage, and allowed us to stay together and be happier than ever.

God's got me right now. I have no idea what's going to happen, but He does. It's His plan, and it's perfect.

For the first time in probably EVER, I'm choosing to put this in His hands, and leaving it there.