On Contentment

I am still working on being content in "whatsoever state".

For the example, the state of North Carolina. We came here at a vulnerable time in our marriage, and from the get go, I was not content in this state. I'm from the North, this is SO not the north. I'm extremely private, and we live in a town where people make it a point to know one another. I am used to flat land, and right now, we're in the mountains. So many little things.

Also, it's no secret that I'd like one more child to hold in my arms. The year before Ella was born, we lost a little girl.  We lost twins in November and I just miscarried again last week, and it hurts. Like rip-out-your-heart hurts. I was so sure that this last pregnancy would be IT. I would have my longed-for baby in my arms this Fall, and our family would be complete. I watch as other people have healthy babies, seemingly without trying...how am I supposed to be content with that?

Sometimes, though...just sometimes, God grants my sinful self a moment of stark clarity.

The other night, I was climbing into bed with a book, and this thought crossed my mind, "I have all of this. I have a warm bed, we have a nice little house, Gabe has a job, I have a job...our kid is pretty great. This is what contentment is."

Maybe God brought us here to this particular state, where we don't know many people, where we had to pretty much start over, with just each other, to teach us to be content.

The past few years have been a learning experience. I used to think about all of the things I would do when I moved back up north...because, you know, that's when my life would "start." But...this is my life. The family life. North Carolina is where I learned to slow down, because for a few months after Gabe started his first job here, I had no choice. I had a four year old then, and we were literally getting to know each other. This is where I learned to be a wife, and this is where I fell in love with my husband again.

I used to worry so much about money, and always wanting more than we had. And you know what? It's just NOT worth it. No amount of money is worth my family. Or my sanity. Do I wish we had more money? Sometimes...but not as often as you'd think. Life isn't as expensive as I used to think it was. I don't need or want the latest in everything. If I have twenty dollars to spend, I would rather spend it on something my whole family can enjoy, or a nice dinner for me and my husband, or a lunch date for me and Ella.

And as far as children...only God knows the plan for my family, and whether we will have more kids. I'm choosing to trust him there.

So, tonight, I won't look out the window of my giant mansion at sprawling, impeccably landscaped lawns...tonight, I'll wander out barefoot onto the deck of my little house in the mountains and look at my lawn, dandelions and all...and I'll thank God for every bit of it, and I'll be content.

Happy Homemaker Monday

Good morning, friends! It's been a long one already. Gabe still has whatever virus he has, so I've been taking care of him. For those who haven't ready my previous post, I lost the baby early Thursday morning. God is good, and He's given me a peace about all of this. I'm still heartbroken, but trusting in God's plan.

The weather outside is:  
Beautiful! Spring in North Carolina (when you can catch it, NC weather is fickle, especially in these mountains!) is so beautiful.

On the breakfast plate this morning:
A turkey and spinach sandwich and lemon water. I had an early morning appointment in town and grabbed something from my favorite little place. Breakfast food and I aren't bff early in the morning.

As I look outside my window: 
Nothing. My blinds are drawn ;)

Right now, I am:
Typing up this post, getting a last-ditch meal plan together.

As I look around the house: 
It's quiet, and calm. Somewhere, a Sphinx cat is crunching her food. My plant table (yes, I have an entire table) is in dire need of re-arranging.

On today's to-do list:
*Work
*Light grocery shopping, again, the meal plan comes into play. I'm trying to stick to a budget.
*Re-doing the plant table

Currently Reading:
My Bible and a bunch of recipe books for inspiration.

On the TV today:
My father-in-law sent me a few episodes of "Call the Midwife"...and I've promised to watch them.

On the menu this week: 
Monday: Chicken Tacos
Tuesday: Homemade Pizza
Wednesday: Frittata
Thursday: Chicken Cacciatore or Italian Chicken, not sure which one yet
Friday: Sub Sandwiches, or something of that sort
Saturday: Spicy Chicken Soup
Sunday: Penne alla Vodka

What I am creating at this moment: 
The garden :)

New Recipe I want to try this week:
I'm going to attempt a cheesecake. Wish me luck!

Favorite picture from the camera:

We had a guest this week. A dog followed us home! Her name is Jasmine and she was reunited with her owners yesterday. But she and Ella really bonded. Btw, Ella's smile is just....ahhhh, my heart.

Prayers, Inspirational Quotes, or Devotionals

Have a beautiful week, my friends!

17/52

17/52: What shall we have for dinner?
Sphinx: "EVERYTHING."

17/52, Sunday: She's such a lovely girl...even if her dress does totally look like a nightgown. (It's not a nightgown, I promise!)

He Goes Before Me...

I wasn't sure how to post this, or even IF I should post it right away.

I lost the baby in the early hours of Thursday morning. There were a lot of tears, a lot of heartbreak, and I'm still in shock.

Not because it wasn't expected, but because the sudden loss of life always leaves me in shock.

I've since gone to work, had a long talk about heaven with Ella, and taken care of my husband, who's fallen ill with the flu, found a lost dog, located its owners, and began planting a garden.

There's not been a lot of time for grief.

Part of me isn't grieving. Part of me is looking forward to a heavenly family reunion with all my kids.

But part of me just misses that sweet babe.

Friday evening, I was out with a friend. I was watching the rain recede, and the golden sunset move in. I wondered, "Does God have a rainbow for me?" At that same moment, my friend said, "Look!"
...and there it was.

I'm not walking through uncharted territory, with this loss. He's already been here. He goes before me, and I follow because I trust Him.

16/52

16/52: Girly girl takes her butterfly catching very seriously. This is just a practice run, but you can tell she means it!

16/52, Sunday. Yogurt for breakfast, mismatched socks, messy hair. Yep, we stayed home.

Why I'm Not Afraid, Even When I Am

On March 1st, I took a home pregnancy test because the tracker app on my Kindle told me I was 4 days late. I remember looking at the little app and saying, "Dude, I'm always 4 days late. What are you talking about?"

I looked at those two little lines and about fainted. Because...wait. No. I had just miscarried in November. Surely, I'm seeing things. Nope. Because my period never came. I was excited, and worried and excited and happy...and just excited.

I told my husband and daughter and my parents right away. I famously said to one of my friends that if I got pregnant again, after my last loss, that I would announce when he or she was born. Instead, we announced about a week after my first pregnancy test.

A few days after I had my pregnancy confirmed, I started bleeding/spotting, and ended up at the E.R. in town. Everything appeared to be fine, but a few days later, at my appointment, we couldn't see much, and I was measuring behind where the doctor thought I would be. We found out that they had miscounted my date of conception...but that there was still reason to worry.

Words like "molar pregnancy" were thrown around. I spent a Saturday in bed, crying my eyes out. That Monday, I woke up and it was just...peace. I've had several more worrisome appointments, with no detected heartbeat. At one point, I was scheduled for a D&C, which I declined. There was such an incredible peace that went along with that decision.

Somebody asked me, "Aren't you afraid?"
NO. Not even when I am. Because God's got me.
He's brought me this far.

He's brought me through loss and grief and tears.

He's carried me through sleepless nights with a newborn.

He's carried me through the troubles in my marriage, and allowed us to stay together and be happier than ever.

God's got me right now. I have no idea what's going to happen, but He does. It's His plan, and it's perfect.

For the first time in probably EVER, I'm choosing to put this in His hands, and leaving it there.

Happy Homemaker Monday

Good morning, friends. I skipped a week last week, because Monday was when I had my doctor's appointment. It basically went like this...
Monday, I was told "Well, you're having a miscarriage." I was upset, but based on everything I'd been told, I was expecting it. So, I picked myself up, and got my hair done and did all of the stuff that I wasn't allowed to do during my pregnancy.
Tuesday afternoon, I got a call that basically said: "Did we say you're having a miscarriage? Whoops. No, you're not. Your levels went up, but we still want you to get a D&C because the pregnancy looks abnormal."
Without me getting a word in edgewise, they scheduled the D&C for this Wednesday. I felt more and more uneasy as last week went on, and finally called them on Friday to tell them I would NOT be getting the D&C. I'd done so much research that gave me HOPE for this pregnancy, that I couldn't just end it.
After much arguing, the doctor reluctantly agreed that I am NOT in need of a D&C. Sometime this week, I am going in for a follow up blood draw and ultrasound, and we will go from there. If I am to miscarry, I will miscarry. If I need a D&C, I will have a D&C. But this will all be done on MY terms. If God grants me this miracle, then I will refrain from saying things like "In your FACE, Doctor"....at least until I am out of the doctor's office ;)
Either way, friends...that was the obligatory pregnancy update. Please continue to pray!

Let's get on with it, shall we?

Breakfast time, what is on the plate this morning: Froot Loops. My go-to cereal.

On today's to-do list: Housework, library, going to work...gotta love being an adult.

Currently reading: Not much of anything, other than massive lists of medical statistics to bring to my next doctor's appointment.

On the TV today: I doubt that I will have time today to watch anything. Oh, well.

The weather outside is: Gorgeous. I have to find time to squeeze in some outside time to enjoy this day, as tomorrow it's supposed to pour the rain.

On the menu this week: Admittedly, my meal planning has suffered horribly the last few weeks. Between doctor's appointments and just not feeling well...ugh. Hoping to get back on my game this week!
Monday: Drunken Noodles
Tuesday: Chicken, CousCous and Steamed Veggies
Wednesday: Jambalaya
Thursday: Loaded Macaroni and Cheese
Friday: Pork Tacos
Saturday: Beef Vegetable Soup
Sunday: Chicken Alfredo

If I have a few minutes to myself, I will: Take a nap. I'm so tired lately, it's not even funny.

New Recipe I'm looking to try: Uhm, let me get back on my Meal Planning game first, then we'll talk about new recipes ;)

In the garden: My mint is going crazy (inside), the basil is doing very well (also inside) and we have STRAWBERRIES! (you guessed it, inside)

Favorite photo from the camera: 

We got Ella canopy for over her bed. She's always wanted one. Dave was curious so he went to check it out the other night.

Homemaking Tip: Don't be like me, and stay on top of your meal-planning game ;)

Bible Verse, Devotional: 

Have a beautiful week, everyone!!!!

15/52

15/52: That hair, ya'll.

15/52, Sunday. It was unseasonably cold this week, bleh.

14/52

14/52: Her fave thing is her bike. And yes, those are some questionable fashion choices.

14/52, Sunday: We have colds and allergy season is kickin' our butts. We stayed home today.

13/52

13/52: My lovely girl

13/52, Sunday. A stomach bug doesn't keep this kid down. Less than two hours after exhibiting some symptoms of a serious stomach bug (which I also ended up getting), she was ready for a slice of cheese pizza! gak!