Obligatory Halloween Post 2015

First, let me preface this by saying that
1) I don't feel well and
2) I'm 99% sure that I'm coming down with the crud.

So, forgive the pictures for looking terrible. I tried. I also went out trick-or-treating with a low grade fever (but hey, I'm a Mom, I don't get days off) We had a lot of fun, saw some awesome people, and the best part is: I don't have to wear a stitch of makeup til next Halloween!!!!!

Ella was Nim from Nim's Island, and I went as a Crazy Cat Lady (in other words, I went as myself)

We went to our town's annual trunk-or-treat, hit up a bonfire, roasted some marshmallows...

It's not ready to eat til it's on fire!

We also saw some of the cutest costumes ever

how cute is this little old man?

This dog-as-a-deer...ohhhhh!!!!
Ella scored lots of candy and I'm ready to crawl into bed and eat soup.
Happy Halloween, all!!!!!

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Sunset

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief. It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 31: Sunset 

I'm currently in North Carolina, but this sunset is one I photographed in 2010, in Texas. With all of the negative things that I associate with Texas and my grief journey, this sunset is one of the most beautiful I had ever seen. Just like grief, sometimes the most beautiful things come out of the most terrible ones.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Reflection

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief. It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 30: Reflection

Another picture from Texas. It was easily the worst time of my life, grief-wise, and sanity-wise. I spent a lot of time outside, taking long walks to avoid talking to people.
I like to think I've come a long way from those days.
The grief isn't that bitter, angry gnawing emotion like it was back then.
I'm much more likely to forgive an ignorant remark, instead of taking it as a personal attack as I did 5 years ago.
I've learned that I can't and won't grieve by anyone else's standards.
If I want to cry, I'll cry.
If I want to talk about her, I'll talk about her.
She's my daughter.
And there is no "wrong" way to grieve.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: What Heals You

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief. It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 29: What Heals You 

For a long time after coming to grips with the fact that she was really gone, and even after having Ella, I would feel the overwhelming need to go outside and just GO somewhere. Somewhere quiet, where trees outnumber people.
In the summer, I go to the river and take my shoes off and walk along the shoreline and look for pretty pebbles.
In the spring, I go and look at flowering trees and close my eyes and breathe in their scent.
In the fall, I crunch through leaves and admire the foliage.
In the winter, I wait until it's dark out and walk quietly along the snow-lined roads.
Nature heals me. Prayer heals me. Helping others remember heals me.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Reach Out

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief. It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 28: Reach Out 

My husband took this picture of me, about 7 years ago. I had decided that I wasn't going to be silent anymore, and since my firstborn now had a name, I was going to write it. On an ornament. And then...so many others asked me to make one, too.
It was the very first time I felt comfortable enough, in my grief journey, to reach out to other people. And it felt really, really good.
I made some lifelong friends...and then I moved, and then life happened, and I found myself unable to do the Angel Tree...
And this year...after much prayer, I'm ready. I'm ready to reach out to others again. I'm ready to go where God wants me to go and do what I can to help others heal.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Self-Portrait

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief. It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 27: Self Portrait

I think, pre-loss my "self-portrait" would have looked much differently. It may have been a photograph, but post-loss...

no photograph could include everything. no photograph could include my firstborn. 

This is the only way to do it. 

I'll take what I can get. 

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Gratitude

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 26: Gratitude 

Grief and gratitude don't seem like they should go together, do they?
And for me, for a long time, they didn't.
It's taken years to where I can say I'm grateful.
I'm grateful for Riley Grace, for her all-too-brief life, because she changed mine for the better.
I'm grateful for the new person I became because of her.
I'm grateful for the people I've met because of her.
I'm grateful for quiet moments with mountains in the distance.
Mostly, I'm grateful God allows me to see past the pain and to help others heal.

Happy Homemaker Monday

Happy Monday, everyone! Today is my day "off", which of course means I'm way more busy than I am when I'm at work. I've been repotting strawberries all morning and battling with caterpillars which are eating my strawberry leaves. Gah.

Anyway, let's get on with it!!!!

The Weather In My Neck of The Woods:  Right now, it's cold and cloudy, but it's supposed to be beautiful on Halloween and the day before, yay!

On my bedside table: A flurry of coupons, a small arrangement of silk flowers, pen and paper, Kindle.

Things that make me happy: Welll...I can finally announce it here. We're bringing home another kitty...Magpie, aka Mags, aka The Pie. She's coming home tomorrow. Before the end of the year, I'll have two more announcements to make...neither of them about cats...but both requiring prayers...so...pray, please? :)

On my to-do list: Preparing the house for the arrival of The Pie, delivering a bunch of strawberry plants to Yellow Mountain offices (they do so much for people who are differently abled!)

On the menu for this week: 
Monday: Jambalaya
Tuesday: Potato Soup
Wednesday: Ramen Stir Fry
Thursday: Stuffed Pepper Casserole
Friday: Breakfast for dinner
Saturday: Halloween!!! Ghost Pizza :)
Sunday: Spaghetti

What I am creating at the moment: Mine and Ella's Halloween costumes. Also, being creative with living room space, because I inherited an insane amount of plants from a friend. Wish me luck!

Looking around the house: The jungle is shaping up!!!

Prayer Requests: My Mom and Dad, my kid brother. Also, the family of a sweet boy named Nash. Nash died this week in Stillwater, Oklahoma. Two unspoken requests of mine (I'll say something when I can)

Lesson Learned: Listen to everyone who approaches you. You don't know the story they could tell you. As I was printing leaves yesterday evening, a very sweet man from England told me the story of his daughter. If I had dismissed him after our first interaction (in which he looked at me like I was a crazy person), I would have never been able to help him.

From the Camera:  

You'll have to excuse the dirt on my hands, I had opened my mail right after repotting strawberries. The beautiful ribbon came from a lovely lady named Tracy. I will wear it proudly in memory of her son, JJ. 

Devotionals, Scriptures, Key Verses: 

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Earth Remembrance

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 25: Earth Remembrance

I thought long and hard about what to plant or do for Earth Remembrance. At first, I wanted to plant peonies, but I wasn't sure how they would do...and then I had my heart set on a little tree...
And I started thinking about the significance of plants and herbs...and I read somewhere about rosemary being the herb of love and remembrance...and I wanted a rosemary tree.
And then I couldn't find one anywhere....and I prayed for one.
And my beautiful friend Bethany showed up with one.
When I was a younger mom, I couldn't cook with rosemary. The smell alone used to remind me of the apartment we lived in when Ella was a year old and my failed cooking experiments.
About a year ago, I attempted cooking with rosemary...I think it was chicken. It was one of the first things I'd made with rosemary to ever turn out.
As it was simmering on the stove, I left the house and went across the yard to the woods to sit and pray and print names on leaves. An emotional moment caught me with my  head in my hands...and then the smell of rosemary had a new meaning...
healing.
How far God has brought me.

43/52

43/52: Oh, her face! She cracks me up. We had a milkshake date one day last week :)

43/52, Sunday. I've switched the location of our Sunday photos...the lighting in my kitchen is 1000 times better :)

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Choose Your Breath

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 24: Choose Your Breath 

Today's topic is about where I am in my grief journey.
Well, I'm almost 10.5 years out, time-wise. This picture was over five years ago, when I was at my worst...I was in Texas, miserable...nobody understood the way I felt and why I was so miserable and why I wasn't "over it" yet.
There was so much anger in my heart then. So much resentment. I was dealing with grief in the most unhealthy way possible. My heart was broken. My marriage very nearly was.
I still  have days that find me melted against a wall in the kitchen, quietly crying, after everyone goes to bed. I still have days where that anger rears its ugly head, and I let it.
But...
So much healing has taken place since that picture was taken, and especially since we moved to North Carolina.
I'm no longer afraid of my grief. I'm no longer afraid to speak her name. I'm no longer afraid to reach out to someone who is grieving and offer a helping hand.
I can pour out all of that sadness, and all of that grief, and all of that anger into beautiful things. I can put that energy into helping others heal.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Love Letter

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 23: Love Letter

Dear Husband,

These are your hands. Hands I've loved for the past 11 years. Hands that have held mine. Hands that placed a wedding ring on my finger one August day.
On October 15th, you used your hands, along with your God-given talent for photography to help me with a project that I was unable to do myself.
Even though you and I grieve our daughter very differently, and even though you may not always understand the WHYs of why I do what I do, you have been so very supportive.
This year, with me doing the Remembrance Leaves, you've cooked dinners, you've taken care of our living daughter, you've helped to pick up the pieces of my broken heart more times than I can count.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being understanding even when it is something you tell me you don't understand.

Love,

Your Wife

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Rituals and Dreams

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I'm participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 22: Rituals and Dreams 

My rainbow came a year after her sister died. Their birthdays are on the same day, and I'm still not quite sure how I feel about it...because the day itself isn't all happy or all sad, it's a strange mix of both.
I guess I would say one of "rituals" is to have Ella blow out the candles on both cakes. She's done this since she was 4 years old, since her sister would have been 5. It was Ella's idea, and I was hesitant at first. I had no idea how much healing this would bring...
Yes, I have a hard time baking two cakes. Yes, sometimes the tears fall while I'm decorating. But...every year, we acknowledge the fact that BOTH girls are part of our little family. Every year, we acknowledge both sisters.
As far as dreams...oh, just one.
I just want to use what I've learned to help others. To make sure no one ever feels as alone as I did on the day Riley Grace died.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Sacred Space

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 21: Sacred Space

When I was 7 years old, my class took a field trip to the cemetery. No, I'm not kidding. It was May and we were placing flowers on the graves of men who had died in WWII. I guess at some point, I got separated from my class. I don't remember "being lost", I do remember my teacher in tears because I guess she had spent about an hour looking for me.
"Weren't you scared?" my classmates asked.
No.
I've never been scared of cemeteries, and aside from the year after Riley died, I've never been scared to go to them, or to stay in them for long periods of time.
For years, Ella and I would go to the cemetery on Fridays or Saturdays, and spend time making her sister's spot pretty. I think it helped us both feel close to Riley.
The week before we moved to North Carolina, I spent many, many hours at Riley's cemetery, as that was the place where I felt the safest.
This is not Riley's cemetery. I'm 700-something miles away right now. This is one of the cemeteries that is relatively near me. I go to the cemeteries here...sometimes alone, sometimes with Ella. We'll buy flowers and put them on the forgotten graves...so they're not forgotten. At the cemetery in town, we found a little girl who shares a birth day (though not a birth year) with my girls.
I don't know what it is about the cemetery. The quiet, the peace. I just feel safe and peaceful.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Forgiveness and Humanity

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 20: Forgiveness and Humanity 

If you were to ask me if my heart's grown warmer or colder since I lost Riley, I would say "both."
Forgiveness has never been one of my strong points...not even as a kid. I can hold a mean grudge. I'm talking years and years. I also have one heck of a temper. It takes a lot to bring it out, and that's probably for the best.
A few years ago, Ella bought a lamb to leave for her sister at the cemetery. She went to a lot of trouble to pick out the lamb, and for a 2 year old to do that on her own was a big deal. She carried on for a long while about how much Riley would like the lamb because it's soft and warm. One cold November evening, we secured the lamb to a metal vase and went home, Ella talking excitedly about how sweet and pretty Riley's lamb was. A few days later, we returned, during the day to find the lamb gone from its spot in front of the vase. At first I thought the wind had merely blown it away...but then I found it, a few graves over.
My blood boiled.
I'm pretty sure I saw red. WHO WOULD DO THAT?
I was so close to marching down to the main office there and screaming at someone, when Ella tugged on my sleeve.
"Mama. It's okay. Maybe they didn't have money for a lamb."
She was right, of course. Maybe they couldn't afford a lamb for their baby. We left it there.
I'm that much more likely these days to forgive things because I don't know what someone's been through...especially another loss parent. Loss hits us all so differently.
And then there are the things which I'm almost positive I can not forgive, as un-Christian as that sounds.
I bought an ivy plant for the cemetery once. I babied that ivy for an entire spring, and an entire summer. It grew big and beautiful. One Saturday, I went to water it...and it was gone.
And then I did flip out. I asked every single worker I could find if they'd taken the plant or seen anyone who could have. I asked a fellow loss Mom if she had taken it (the one instance in which the plant being gone would have been OK) and she hadn't.
I never did find the plant...but a few weeks later, I heard of a story from a friend where someone was stealing the flowers from baby graves and selling them at the flea market...and that sent me over the edge.
Why would someone steal flowers from a baby's grave? Don't they know that this is ALL THE PARENTS HAVE OF THEIR CHILD ON THIS EARTH? Don't they know how much that hurts?
I know everyone is human, and imperfect. I'm willing to forgive imperfections...when someone harms the innocent...that's something I have a harder time forgiving.
I'm still working on forgiveness.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Music

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief. It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 19: Music 

These are some of the lyrics to Celine Dion's "Fly"...
You can find the video here .
When I was a kid, my Dad had a silly nickname for me. It was something he claimed he would have preferred my name to be, and sometimes he still calls me that. I have a silly nickname for Ella: Owls. I called her that because when she was a baby and she yawned, she looked like a little owl. It's translated to her kid-hood because she absolutely LOVES owls.
I have absolutely no idea what I would have called Riley Grace had I been able to carry to term and deliver her alive. It would probably have been something silly...I'll never know now.
Since I heard the song "Fly", I've always thought of Riley as "little wing." (The first words to this song are Fly, fly little wing)....
I have many many songs that are my "Riley" songs, but literally every word of this song fits. Especially the lyrics above. No matter how many moonrises and sunsets I see in my lifetime, I will never forget my little wing.

Happy Homemaker Monday

Good morning, all! It's cold in the mountains this morning! This is going to be one of those days where I'll be glad to have the oven on (remember a few months ago, where I was making nothing but crockpot meals because it was too hot to heat up the kitchen? Well, not anymore!) I'm glad to be in a warm sweater, in my warm house, and not outside!

The weather in my neck of the woods:  It's supposed to warm up some after today, yay, and the nighttime temps are supposed to warm up a little bit too, which is good. I think all of my plants are inside for the winter now, and it's starting to look a bit like a jungle in here.

Things that make me happy: Sunshine, plants (jungle-ish as they may be), that lovely frost-blanket on the ground in the mornings...going to try to get a picture of it tomorrow morning.

Book I'm reading: "My Sister's Grave" by Robert Dugoni. It's really good, I just need to find more time to read. I'll be re-reading Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations" after this, if I ever find time.

On my nightstand: Paper, pen, and highlighters. I need to be planning a grocery excursion, and soon.

The menu for this week: 
Monday: Baked Potato Bar
Tuesday: Angel Chicken
Wednesday: Cube Steak and Potatoes, Green Beans
Thursday: Asian Pork
Friday: Breakfast for Dinner
Saturday: Some kind of vegetable soup (to be decided)
Sunday: Chicken and Red Pepper Spaghetti

New Recipe I want to try: I'll be trying a new way to make the cube steak. Wish me luck!

On my to-do list: *Laundry
                              *Watering the plant jungle, and figuring out the plant placement
                              *Grocery run is a must
                              * I literally have to darn socks, lol
                              * Study for an exam tomorrow

Looking forward to this week: Playing with all of the stuff I got in my Walmart Beauty Box today. Seriously, $5 a box and you get all kinds of coupons and samples! Also, teaching Ella how to darn socks...because she needs to know this stuff.

Looking around the house: It's a jungle in here, ya'll.

Prayer Requests: My parents, my kid brother, my wrists (they don't do well in the cold, thank you car accident from 2012). My patience for people. It's just not where it should be today.

Lesson Learned: People assume some funny things based on the way others look. Also, sometimes, it's just best to take a deep breath and walk away.

Favorite Picture from the week:  

She's growing up so much, and looks more and more like Gabe every day.

Scriptures, Devotionals, Key Verses: 

Have a Blessed Week!!!! 

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Seasons and Symbols

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 18: Seasons and Symbols 

When I lived in Chicago, I used to have a hard time with Spring, because that's when I lost her. The day she died, it was bright and sunny, and I remember thinking "That's not how this should be. It should be storming and horrible outside" because that's how I felt inside. Instead, I left the hospital to find bright sunshine and blue skies.
I think every spring thereafter that we lived in Chicago, I had a hard time. I couldn't walk down certain ways from the hospital to either where our apartment was or to my Mom and Dad's. I couldn't walk past certain houses, or even see the flowers that were in their flower gardens. I was relieved when we moved to the next town over and I could always find a shortcut (or a longcut) to get to where I needed to go that would not take me past any of those "bad" places.
I have a hard time in the Fall, too. They take everything out of the cemetery there. All the decorations, all of the flowers. It's just leaves and grass, and after a while everything starts to look...well, dead. And it's a reminder...and I just don't deal with that well.
One summer, I was at the cemetery with Ella...I think maybe she was 3. It was early evening and she said, "Mom! Look at all the dragonflies." And there they were. Dragonflies everywhere. The air was thick with them.
Someone once said to me that they had heard a legend where the dragonflies were the souls of babies and children, and I drew a lot of comfort from that.
Dragonflies have always been my Riley symbol. They never fail to make me smile. They're not afraid of me, and I'm not afraid of them...and I'm not even a big fan of insects/bugs/crawly things. I've been known to scream if an inchworm drops down on me. But, a dragonfly can sit on my hand and it just makes me so calm.
This summer, Gabe thought one of our cats had swatted at this dragonfly on our deck. I went outside and picked it up. It stayed on my hand long enough for me to take tons of photos and to walk it across the street to the wetlands. I saw it fly away into the evening sky. Dragonflies remind me that every moment is precious...every moment I had with Riley was precious, and the moments now where I think of her are precious as well.

42/52

Seriously? Only 10 weeks left? Insanity!

42/52: You know it's cold outside when the owl headwear begins appearing.

42/52, Sunday. This is not our front door. This is our kitchen pantry. The light in my living room was not at all good for photos. This obviously wasn't either. Fail!

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Secondary Losses

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 17: Secondary Losses

I think, when we lose our baby or child, we lose so much in addition to that initial heartwrenching loss. We lose our innocence. We lose every semblance of who we were before that loss. We lose our child, over and over and over.
We lose him or her in that moment. We lose them every moment thereafter.
When I lost Riley Grace, I didn't just lose that tiny baby. I lost the one year old, the two year old, the ten year old I would have now.
A few months ago, I bought Ella this dollhouse, for a fantastic deal. It's mostly been an outdoor toy, I'll have to clean it up of grass clippings, etc. before I bring it inside. This  morning, after I read my Bible on my front porch, I looked at it and thought "Riley will never play with this awesome toy."
I remember, when Ella was two, we lived near a CVS store. Ella and I would go there and buy 99 cent nail polish and give ourselves crazy manicures on the weekends. We befriended a cashier, and one day, she said, "You know, you're such a good Mommy, it's a pity you don't have another girl."
And I thought "I do...but she'll never get to do this with me."
As loss parents, I think we sometimes keep a morbid list of things that our child will never get to do. The fun "to do" list for that child is yet another secondary loss.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Creative Grief

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 16: Creative Grief 

Since I decided to stop living in denial, I've always tried to do things in her memory, and I've always tried to include the other babies who have made an impact on my post-loss life.
Last year, I started printing names on leaves. Anything artistic is therapy for me. Anything that I can do to include others and honor Riley's name is therapy as well.
I just always feel like I'm not doing enough. Do you ever have that feeling?

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Wave of Light

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 15: Wave of Light

I would write more for this, but I am overwhelmed and  tired in every way: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Tonight is Wave of Light, tomorrow it will be 3 years since my dear Ms. Lora went to heaven. It will be grief upon grief tomorrow...a different kind of grief, but grief nonetheless.

Tonight, my husband did me the honor of taking about half of the pictures, including the one above. He is an incredible photographer, and I feel like he did this remembrance justice.

I am so grateful for him. I am so grateful for the community of other loss mommas who have embraced me and loved me and shared their stories. I am so grateful for the short time I had my daughter. In the midst of all of this grief, I am grateful.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Express Your Heart

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 14: Express Your Heart 

If I could only say one thing to anyone who's dealing with the loss of a baby, or knows someone who is, it would be this.
The people who have gone through it never forget.
Years may pass, memories may get fuzzy, but that baby, that little being is ALWAYS remembered.
Riley will ALWAYS be my firstborn.
She will ALWAYS be in my heart.
I will ALWAYS be her mother.
No matter how many years go by, no matter how many more kids I will have, no matter how long I live.
ALWAYS.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Regrets and Triggers

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project in honor of the babies that lost.

Day 13: Regrets and Triggers 

My biggest regret would have to be not grieving right then. Not crying more. I regret not calling off of work in the days that followed. I regret answering "I'm fine" when my co-worker asked if I was all right. I regret pushing myself into the state of denial that lasted years.
I regret not giving her that importance. The one I gave her living sister after she was born. I regret not saying, "No. I'm not okay. I lost my baby."

As far as triggers go, the floor above is honestly my biggest one. Such a silly thing and yet...
When Gabe and I were first looking at apartments, the reason "the rat hole" won out was because of that stupid floor.
"It looks like a checkerboard!!!" I exclaimed and began filling out the lease application.
I imagined chubby little kiddo feet padding across the checkerboard floor.
Instead, a few months later, I found myself sobbing on that same floor, unable to stop my pregnancy from ending. I wiped blood off that floor with a blue towel. After I returned home from the hospital, I found a single bloody handprint (mine) on that floor. The checkered tiles lost their appeal that day.
The library in town here used to have a checkered floor. I used to close my eyes when walking in and then stare at the ceiling because I would literally feel sick to my stomach. I've turned down houses because they've had checkered kitchens or bathrooms. I am reasonably sure I will never live in a home with a checkered floor.
This was a hard post to write. Thank you all for bearing with me. <3

Happy Homemaker Monday

Good morning, all! I'm recovering from a stomach bug...or something. So far, the jury is still out on what's going on. It's either a virus (ugh) or something I ate (double ugh), but I am on the mend and determined not to let this mess up a gorgeous day!

The weather in my neck of the woods: Perfect early fall weather, I need a sweater in the mornings, but not the afternoons. I couldn't be happier. It is gorgeous out there.

Things that make me happy: Recovering from whatever this is, quiet mornings, my little family, kitty footprints on my deck.

On my nightstand: About a million coupons, my kindle, journal, pen and paper.

Meal Plan for the week: 
Monday: Chicken Soft Tacos
Tuesday: Potato Soup
Wednesday: Mexican Lasagna
Thursday: Beef Stew (and I'll finally share my recipe)
Friday: Breakfast for dinner
Saturday: Beef Veggie Soup
Sunday:  Crockpot Chicken Spaghetti
Gabe had the genius idea of making Friday "Breakfast for Dinner" Day...the more days I have "accounted for" in my Meal Planning Notebook (yes, I have one), the better it is. We usually have some kind of pasta dish on Sundays, and soup on Saturdays. I know friends who have things like "Italian Wednesday" and "Crockpot Friday", and it's just one more little thing that helps to keep the sanity in our little house.

On my to-do list:
*Run the dishwasher
*Fold the clean laundry that's in the basket
*Clean the bathrooms
*Move my wire plant-stand inside (it's getting too cold for my plants outside at night)
*Attempt to organize the pantry (hahahahha)

New Recipe I want to try:
This Mexican Chicken Lasagna...I'm going to perfect that this week!!!

Looking forward to this week: 
Helping out at the Soup Kitchen this Saturday. Last month was my first month helping, and it was a blast! I may bring Ella along this week :)

Looking around the house: I really need to move that plant stand in. My coffee table has been taken over by my various plants. Yikes.

Favorite Picture: 

This is Ella's "fake sister", my friend Tessa. I love that she takes time out of her day to be a friend to my Ella :)

Lesson Learned: If someone goes out of their way to tell others what a wonderful person they are, you can pretty much bet they're not  wonderful at all. 

On my mind: My Mom and Dad, this country, the parents of two beautiful twin girls who passed away this morning. 

Devotionals, Scriptures, Key Verses:

Have a blessed week!!! 

Project Heal Capture Your Grief: Normalizing Grief

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.



Day 12: Normalizing Grief 

It's been nearly 10 and a half years since I lost my first daughter, and sometimes, the quiet mornings send me into a panic attack. I get up earlier than anyone else in the house, and early mornings are the perfect time to read my Bible, to think, and to over-think.
I wonder sometimes, if she'd be an early bird and get up with the sun, and sit with me while I read. I wonder if she'd appreciate the sunrise, or if she'd just want to sleep and sleep, like her Dad and her little sister. Those times are OK.
And then there are times when absolute fear just takes over.
What if something happens to Ella?
What if I have another baby and it dies, too?
And then I relive the morning of May 17, 2005...and then the panic attack is inevitable.
It's been nearly 10 and a half years. I still have panic attacks. I still cry in the early morning, pre-sun rise, pre-everyday-housework hours. I am not crazy. I just miss her.

41/52

41/52: We're enjoying "Indian Summer" here in North Carolina. This kid is also enjoying her cowboy boots :)

41/52, Sunday: Sweater weather is here...

Project Heal Capture Your Grief: Glow in the Woods

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I'm participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 11: Glow in the Woods 

Glow in the Woods  is a site that parents who have suffered the loss of a child can go and talk to one another and share their stories without being judged.
But, Glow in the Woods can also refer to a person who is there for you when no one else is. The beautiful red-haired lady in the picture with me is Amy.
Amy was one of the first people I reached out to after my loss, because I knew that she had a loss as well.
But...at the time I reached out, Amy was a total stranger. I found Amy on myspace (remember myspace?) through a friend of a friend...or something like that. I gathered from her profile picture that she had also lost a daughter and I think my first message to her went something like this, "I don't know you, and I am so sorry for your loss. I've also lost my daughter."
 I was at work when I wrote the message, and honestly, I expected my friend request to go unanswered, and possibly blocked. Instead, a beautiful friendship blossomed, despite the distance: I was in Chicago and Amy was in California.
Amy ended up coming out to Chicago and we got to see one another. Amy met my living daughter, then two,  and to this day, Ella refers to her as "Auntie Amy with the beautiful red hair."
Because of Amy, I felt brave enough to open up about my loss. I felt brave enough to name her. Amy was and is my glow in the woods of baby loss. I am forever in her debt.

Project Heal Capture Your Grief: Words

In an effort to ease my  hurting heart this fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 10: Words. 

For me, the most important words in this grief journey have been her name, because she remained without a name for two years. When I did finally give her a name, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.
She is why I am here, and she is the reason for me reaching out to so many. She is the reason that I became a softer, better person. She is my first daughter, she is Ella's older sister, and she has a name. Her name is Riley Grace.

Project Heal Capture Your Grief: Family

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 9: Family 

When my living daughter, now age 9, was in Kindergarten, she told me "I am going to draw a family portrait. We are all going to be in it." She said it so resolutely, then grabbed a dry-erase board and set to work. I left her to it, but was admittedly very curious as to how she would draw her sister.
We're all pretty easily recognizable in this portrait, I think. My husband is the only one with glasses, I am the charming creature with the short hair and Ella is the little smiling face with long hair...
For a moment, I thought she had left Riley out, but then I looked up top.
"Is that a butterfly?" I asked.
"No, Mom. It's a dragonfly." she replied. "I know I'm not the best at drawing dragonflies..."
I thought for a second, and asked her why she had chosen to draw a dragonfly instead of a little girl. Dragonflies had always been my Riley symbol, and I knew she knew that.
"Mom, do you remember that one day when we went to the cemetery and we brought her flowers? And the dragonflies were EVERYWHERE. She was so close then."
And there you have it. We're still a family. One of us just flies above.

Project Heal Capture Your Grief: Wish List

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this Fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief. It is a storytelling/photography project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 8: Wish List

This  picture is from the first time that we celebrated both girls on their birthday. They are exactly a year and two minutes apart, and for the longest time, I thought it was an ironic, cruel twist of fate. I would spend every May 17 since Ella was born celebrating her birthday during the day, and then crying myself to sleep that night. In the days leading up to Ella's 4th birthday, she would say things like "Mom, why do I get a cake and Riley doesn't?" and "It's not JUST my birthday, Mom. That's not fair."
So, even though it ripped my heart to do it, I baked and decorated two little cakes and we celebrated both girls. After Ella blew out her candles she said, "Mom! My wish came true! We BOTH had a birthday today!"
We've done this every year since.
My wish every year has been to make baby loss less of a stigma. If we are to EVER begin healing, we have to talk about it. It cannot be something shut away in a dark corner of our heart, never to come out. It doesn't work that way. I tried that, and it nearly destroyed me, my marriage, and my entire life. We need to tell our children's stories, write their names, and unite together, to help one another heal.

Project Heal: Capture Your Grief: Memory

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a storytelling/photography project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 7: Memory

For a long time, after she died, I couldn't look at this picture. This is our little tiny first apartment that I lovingly refer to as the "rat hole" (there we no rats, I promise). I'm in our little tiny kitchen, looking through the first batch of pictures that we'd taken as an engaged couple (if you look very closely, you will see the garnet engagement ring). The date is sometime between May 12-15th, 2005.
We're still decorating "the rat hole", getting to know our neighbors, and being super excited about our future together. Neither one of us has really been touched by the loss of a baby, although, I had attended the funeral of a small child once before, and Gabe's aunt had a stillbirth. So, of course, we're excited to have children, we're excited to raise children, and we're just excited about life.
In this picture, I'm flipping through pictures, debating what to make us for lunch and secretly loving my checkerboard floor in the kitchen. (black and white checks).
It's a far cry from where I would be, mere days later...our first pregnancy suddenly ended, headed to the hospital, forever changed.
 I had a hard time with this picture after she died, like I said. It's only been within the last few months that I've seen the value of keeping this picture...
It's a beautiful memory.
My time with my first daughter shouldn't only be marked by that tremendous loss.
In this picture, I am innocent. She is alive, and she is safe inside me. This picture is worth so, so much.

Project Heal Capture Your Grief: Books

In an effort to ease my hurting heart this fall, I am participating in Project Heal: Capture Your Grief . It's a photography/storytelling project to honor the babies we've lost.

Day 6: Books

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14

This is my Bible, in my native language. (Polish)
When Riley died, I was pretty angry at God. I shut Him out, for years and years...
In June of 2011, I decided I was going to read the Bible cover to cover and then put it up on a shelf and never look at it again...just so I could say that I had done it.
Nearly 4 and a half years later, I'm still reading every day.
I've come to this book with many emotions, as far as my first daughter is concerned. I've come with anger, on days when the pain is just too much. I've come with gratitude, because she WAS here, even though it was but for a short time. I've come with confusion...because what do I tell my living daughter when she asks hard questions?
Over the last ten years, I've read many books on the subject of baby loss. To me, this one has been the most instrumental in my healing.

Happy Homemaker Monday

Good morning, everyone! For the first time in ELEVEN DAYS, I woke up to sunshine and blue skies! After dealing with some after-effects of Hurricane Joaquin this weekend, I'm ready to get back outside (and sweep all of the leaves off my deck/stairs)

The weather in my neck of the woods: Sunny skies, at least up until the weekend!!!!

Things that make me happy:  Oh, the sunshine! Reading the Bible in the mornings when nobody else is awake, my husband, my daughter, my cats....

Looking around the house: I have some serious baking to do. Also, folding laundry.

On the to-do list: Laundry
                              Library
                             The park
                             Baking
                             Organize bookshelf in bedroom
                             Study
                             Mop floors

On the menu this week:
Monday: Ham, Potato, and Green Bean Bake
Tuesday: Beef Stew
Wednesday: Chicken Enchilada Bake
Thursday: Breakfast for Dinner
Friday: Chicken Casserole of some kind (Do you have any ideas for a chicken casserole?!)
Saturday: Pizza soup
Sunday: 3 Cheese Spaghetti Marinara

On my mind: My Mom and Dad, my kid brother, a few friends going through some issues, a big, big, big prayer request of mine.

New recipe I want to try soon: Actually, that ham bake today is new...(and I'm wingin' it!)

Craft Creations: Some silly stuff Ella and I saw a friend do...(post is a'coming)

Homemaking Tip: Freeze grape tomatoes (ya'll know I had enough of those this year to freeze and give away and freeze some more) and when you want sauce, drop them in boiling water...the skin comes right off. I made one pot spaghetti yesterday and used those for the sauce, it was sooo good!!!!

Favorite photo from the camera: 

Friday night, I was studying in bed, and Dave (aka Cave Dave) hopped up to study with me. Of course, he fell asleep within 10 minutes, but it's the thought that counts. :) Rescued animals give so much love, and Dave is just the sweetest most loving, wonderful cat. Aren't his eyes BEAUTIFUL?

Scriptures, Key Verses and Devotionals:

Have an amazing week everyone, and God Bless :)