It's not Him, it's me.

Sunday night, with a sick kid in the next room, I broke down and cried. God, why aren't you listening? She's sick. She has a high fever. It's scaring me. Why.are.you.not.hearing.me?

Clearly, this was a breakdown in communication somewhere. I was praying. Begging. And He wasn't listening. Right?

No. I was praying, all right. A very, very selfish prayer. Heal her. Yes. Not listening to any reply he may have.  I went to my husband with my fears. What if something happens? What if this fever doesn't break? What if the doctor can't help her? What if? What if? What if?

And then, my husband, who until very recently had been out of church, (but is the whole reason I became a Christian...more on that another day), began to pray.

"Heavenly Father," he said, "Our child is very sick, and my wife is very worried. We know You can do anything and heal anyone. For Your glory, we ask You to please heal Ella."

I began crying again. Because I had been praying wrong. Because I had all of this so, so wrong. The breakdown in communication wasn't Him. It was me. In my selfishness, I had closed off all receptiveness to Him.

Sunday night, Ella received a dose of medicine, with my full expectation of a trip to the doctor's (O me of little faith). Six hours later, I tip-toed across the house to feel her forehead. Cool. I went back to bed, expecting to be woken up by a feverish child. Yesterday, after school, she began to look a little weak-eyed, and I thought, "Oh, here we go" as I told her to go lay down. Within an hour, she was asking for chicken soup. I felt her forehead again. Cool. Huh.

By last night, she had devoured 2 bowls of chicken soup and a sandwich. The fever never came back. Last night, with a sleeping child in the next room, I opened my Bible and began to cry again. Because He is so good. He is better to me than I deserve. He saved my soul. He saved my life. He gave me a husband who treats me like gold. A family. A church family who is unbelievably supportive. So, so much that I don't deserve.

This isn't about me, and my wants. This is about me using my prayer life, and my life in general to glorify my Lord and Savior.